Relapse

Tue last time I was seriously self harming I was 18 and in high school. A few months later, fresh from being 19, I was raped and so my feelings sort of just stopped for a while. I’ve had some relapses later, though. The last time I’ve had concrete thoughts was about 4 years ago. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders then.

Tonight I’ve had a relapse. I stopped just in time I think, cause I got scared I was going to press too hard and actually cut my skin. I forced myself to put the knife back down and change room, even though the cold feeling of the blade was good, even though the last place I want to be now is in the room with him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately.

Not about committing it, just about it.

Mostly about how I was so so confident I couldn’t make it out of school and now I’ve got a master’s degree. I’ve never thought I would make it. I’ve never thought I could survive.

(He got up and left the door open. I see the light from the kitchen wash the corridor. I hear the blade calling. Maybe I’ll best it, like I’ve been doing since 18.)

In the last three weeks I have been trying to write my thanks and acknowledgments for my thesis. But all I could think about was the depression and the suicide and how amazed I am at myself that I’m alive and I have friends. Maybe I won’t die alone. It’s absolutely insane.

But I also have been thinking, that maybe I should, anyway.

Because I don’t deserve any of this. I don’t deserve friends, or partners. I certainly do not deserve this degree. I don’t think I deserve life. I never did.

(I keep thinking about the feeling of the sharp cool blade on my skin. I miss it. I want to get up and get it out again.) (This is why I think self-harming is an addiction.) (Please, please, get up and close the door.) (I know he won’t).)

I’m ready to stare into the void all night again.

Let’s hope I won’t relapse again.

(I know I will.)