I froze

It’s 2am. I am gently chatting with my boyfriend about our struggles. There’s a lot to say and we scratch some spots, avoiding others. There’s one thing I’m not saying. One thing I haven’t told anyone yet. Something that is weighing heavily on me. Something I don’t know how to talk about. Something I need to get out of my head or I’ll carry it for years like the last time and it will ruin my psyche.

I froze. Again.

Most times, since the rape, when I get cat called or touched in any unwanted way I freeze.

I have done so much to “get over it” and people have helped me with it, too. But I guess it’s still something that sits inside you, quietly until poked.

Nothing about the situation I was in helped me.

I was in a confined space I could not get out of.

I was on the phone with my mom and I didn’t feel free to talk.

The man clearly has mental issues. He probably has not thought it was inappropriate in any way.

But still. He tried to kiss me.

Twice.

And I couldn’t do anything but try to turn away and not touch him.

But try to be firm when he tried to turn my face his way.

It’s been a little over two weeks now, and I still feel dirty. I still feel like it was my fault. More than anything though, I can’t shake the feeling that I should have done something, said something. And I didn’t. I completely froze. Stuck between two chairs with my mom telling me about her work problems.

In six days I’ll be in that room again. He’ll be in the next one. I’m not sure how long I’ll have to work there. I’m not sure if something happens I’ll be able to respond quickly. I am dreading the moments I’ll be alone in the room.

I could do something and tell people who are responsible. Could they do anything though? And besides, it’s not like he’s a “normal”, stable person. I’d feel guiltier about it if I said something, probably.

Then again, why is it always me? And is it really just me? What if something similar happened when I wasn’t there and the girl is not talking for those same reasons? What if it happens again and it’s my fault for not preventing it?

I’ve been spiraling for two weeks. I have no idea what to do.

Talking about it is so so hard.

Not talking about it is so so hard.

I don’t feel safe anywhere.